Ma Book. Chapter 2. Would You Kick A Camel To Death?

Chapter 2

Would You Kick A Camel To Death?

Today we're answering the big questions of the 16th century.  How many octopuses it takes to kill Miley Montana? Will I ever gain respect in my 'I have erectile desfunction' class? Does the Earth have a plan to fuck Saturn up the arse? Does Britian really translate 'Bag Of Shite?' And the all important question. Is God actually a pickle that got cocky one day and broke free from his jar of pickle juice?

Ive always been a fan of walking on water. Never done it myself, I feel it would be the decent thing to do if you were surrounded by baked beans though. Back in the day some say crocodiles were actually polar bears wrapped in tin foil. I think thats a bit far fetched. I mean, where would they get the tin foil? Lidl?

Elastic bands! Now theyre intresting. The four cornerstones of our society.  Bread, April, breasts and elastic bands. Thats what keeps ua all going. Fuck knows hpw we cope in November with only a wagon wheel to keep us company. The things is, people only believe that the moon really hated the sun. The story I heard was the moon really liked Mars. The sun said to the moon the usual I'll talk to Mars see what she thinks. Yes Mars is a female. Moon finds out later that Mars is pregnant with the suns baby! BONZA! Cliffhanger.

Twix! Got to love a twix. Nice, delightful and overall satisfaction guaranteed! Thing about Brazil is that they take science to literally. Its like running over an 87 year old woman. The right thing to do? I Don't think so. Now I know what you're thinking but bears are massive in Cambodia.

Happy Christmas to all the woman. That's the problem with bacon, there's never enough.

Would you kick a camel to death? I agree, depends on the circumstances. It's like phone sex, Charlie Lansburgh is bound to find out his cat never loved him. I mean why pay all that money for it to have sex with Oprah Winfrey? Anal. Dry. Nasty stuff.

Correct me in the way that wearing purple reads; cant pull off Jeremy in the shower without drugging him? Seriously shit in a bag Gavin! That's what he said, he tried to make love to my pillow. My fucking pillow man!

In conclusion, this never meant to happen really. The Earth was just an accident just like Gavin was. If you dont know who Craig is, he has a nose. Would you lick Eve knowing she had came from your rib? Chocolate is indeed fact.  Polish I ring in the Costa shop of caffeine.  Last but not least. Newton never grew apple's on a pear tree. That's a lie.

Ma Book. Chapter 1. Sausage Rolls & Airports.

5th September 2013.

Up at 3am, I'm never up at this time, only time I would ever think about getting up at this time out my bed is for a piss or I might not of been to bed yet, due to going out in the town or just being a computer hermit.

Me and Demi, my girlfriend, slowly but surely started to move out the bed. It was September the 5th and we were going our holidays! Off the Playa De Ingles, Gran Canaria. Flight was at 7am, so we had to be at the airport for 5am. Normally people are excited to be going abroad, at this time in the morning, all I wanted was my bed.

I had a shower, a shit and a shave. To be fair, all I had to shave off was the little bit at my chin, the bum fluff. I've always wanted to have sideburns, like Elvis. One day this will happen, sometimes though I worry that ill always be a pretty hairless person on my face. I should maybe get one of those hair cream for bald blokes, but put it on my cheeks.

We left the house then headed for Glasgow Airport, I wanted to stop off at a petrol station, I've never been to a petrol station when I had to talk to the guy through the window. We got to the station and to my disappointment the doors were open. They bright side though was I could go in and get a Walls Sausage roll, I used to always get them out of the BP garage when we went to Dundee. There was none so I had settle for a packet of McCoy's and a Double Decker. So far it was nothing but disappointment.

When we arrived at the airport, we said our goodbyes to Demi's mum, she sped away in her Subaru, I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't woke up some people in Aberdeen with the noise it makes. I mean, yeah okay it looks cool but it always breaks down, most drivers dislike people who drive them and anymore than 5 minutes in the thing and you will be needing a wheelchair at the way the thing swings you about. It's like being in a wheeliebin and being rolled down that big steep hill you and your mates always played at, though I have to give it to the wheeliebin, it would probably be more comfortable.

This is the first time me and the woman had checked in at an airport. We were sort of nervous, it is pretty straight forward but that's what I was worried about, I can't mess this up because If I do I'll never let it down. We walked in to see the cue for check in almost out the door. I said to Demi, "This can't be right!". you see we checked in online so we only needed to do the bag drop off thing. I went a quick search but told Demi to stay in the line incase this was it as the line was getting longer behind us. Seconds later I seem the cue we were supposed to be in, it had about 6 people I if compared to the line with around 200 holiday makers in it. We checked in and Demi looked at her phone, 5:05am, it only took us 5 minutes to check in after all that worrying. As we were walking past the huge cue I had the urge which I think most people would If in my situation, that would be facing the line, sticking the fingers up and shouting "Get it up you!". Sadly though I don't have the balls to do something like that so I kept my head down and walked on.

We got to security and past through it with ease, Demi beeped through the metal detector. She had to go in this big machine that looked like something out of Star Wars. Her face was scarlet, they didn't find anything suspicious on her but I see why they had there concerns, she can be a tad snidy sometimes.

We waited about, I got a roll and links, pint if Stella, a roll and bacon for Demi and she got Irn-Bru. This set me (well her) £15! Robbed! But what are you going to do, when you're hungry, you'll pay anything. Then we remembered w had payed for a breakfast on the plane. Great.

We boarded the plane and were ready to set sail ( that's not right is it?) Anyway things were going great and nothing was going wrong, that was to be true though. I was knackered and just wanted to lie at the pool. I wanted to get of this huge metal bird man. We broke down just as we were racing down te runway, you know that moment on a plane when everyone is buzzing. They are going mental and making noises and cheer when we get in the air. Well this is how it went on our plane:

*Racing down the runway* "oooooooooooo"...

*Slowly lifting off the ground*... "Waaaayyy"...

*Suddenly stops*... "Aw wit man!".

An hour we waited on the plane before it finally took off, Captain explained "The engineer chaps did a sterling job, the threat was fixed and we were ready to take off". Sorry but as soon as the word threat is mentioned on a flight, get me off.

4 and half hours later and we were finally in Gran Canaria. It was a miserable flight, screaming children, lesbians chatting about going to this nightclub and an old man who had flatchulent problems. The only decent thing was that I was out of Scotland and away from life for a week. We stood at the baggage collection point. It started to move like a checkout at Asda, instead of bread, milk and biscuits on the belt it was everyone's suitcases. Demi's came out in minutes, mine took about 20 minutes, typical.

We went on the bus and it took us to our hotel, we were greeted by Demi's grandparents (Jennette & Findley) or as I like to call them J-Dog and Finders. We checked into the hotel, our room number was 147, it was alright, not great, not bad, alright. We chucked our suit cases in the room, I sat on the balcony while Demi done her woman thing, makeup, hair that sort of stuff. Finders chapped on our door and told us we were invited to dine in style for lunch, at MacDonald's, we couldn't refuse.

We headed down past the Tropical shopping center, it's what it says on the tin, lots of shops, restaurants men selling "Rolex " watches when infant they really said "Bolex". I was wearing sunglasses and this bloke came up to me and pointed at all the sunglasses on his wrist.

"Looky looky, you want?" Sunglasses seller

"Nah you're alright, got my own pair here" Ryan

"Nah they're not as good as these!" Sunglasses Seller

Cheeky git! I decided to ignore him and walk on, the selling didn't stop there, we seen about 5 African American woman all over the promenade. See we had been to this area before in Gran Canaria and we had fallen into the trap of stopping and talking to these people. They took our hands, tied this small string around our wrist and told us all this bollocks. We would live a good life but had some obstacles in front of us, we would have 3 kids and me and Demi would stay together, thanks for that. she then said 5 euros please. This is how the conversation went:

"5 euros please" Lady

"For what?" Ryan

"I told you your future, that comes at a cost" Lady

"We'll I don't have the money" Ryan

It went on for a while longer, same kinda back and forth, give me your money, naw! She then decided she would have to curse us and she took the string off our wrists and spat on us, lovely. See the thing is you can't really say what shes saying isn't true cause you never know what's going to happen, we might have 3 children, we may have 2. I could stop people and say that they will have a good future, some dodgy moments an tie a string on their wrists, then demand a fiver. Can't see it working back home to be honest.

Anyway back to the current time. As w neared the woman I knew one of ten would try to stop us. We closed in and I knew I needed to just walk past them. We past them and one of the woman put her hand out to shake mine, I then thought the one way to get out if this situation was to put my hands in the air and shout "Good morning!". I've not seen them since.

We got to MacDonald's, I had a McChicken Sandwhich, Demi and J-Dog shared 20 chicken nuggets and Finder had a couple of cheeseburgers. Again we were asked about sunglasses, if we wanted them, watches, hats, beach balls. I just want to eat in peace, walk in peace but you can't even do that. After we ate headed back to the hotel to get changed and have a nap, I was done in.

Had dinner later on, about 7pm, didn't each much, had too many chips in MacDonald's. We then went to the entertainment and had a few beers. It was that Mr Continental that was on, men showing off, it wasn't very good.

Ma Book. The Wee Bit Before The First Chapter...

I don’t remember a lot of my childhood years, do any of us? I remember running about in my pants around the back garden. I remember playing in my turtle sand pit. Also trying to kick a football and make my father proud, that I never done.

Is it important to remember the early years of your life? When you’re older and you have your own children or you have a niece/nephew or your friend has a new bairn. It seems to be that those first few years are some of the most memorable for you as a person. But when you think back to your own childhood, how important are they to you?

I would personally prefer to be raised by king kong as my mum and Donkey Kong as my dad. I would have Donald Duck as my wacky Uncle and Minnie Mouse as my auntie. Would you eat a chocolate bar in the snow? That’s the question you must ask yourselves. I mean remember when you went on that first big holiday with your family. At which age do you start to have a lot of memories? Me? Well probably around 7, 8. I mean how important is your early life, obviously if it goes all smooth and your loved and well looked after there shouldn’t be any bad memories. So unless you step on a frog and blow up the world, which happened to a mate of mine, you should be fine. True Story.

v  

Chips, oh god where do you start? They’re great! I’ll have mine on a plate please! Wrapped in newspaper? Sure! On the condition though, that these chips will add to the chances of my death!

Now I know chips are a tad unhealthy, even oven chips aren’t great for us. But listen to me for a second and listen good, Chips are great! Imagine dipping your first chip into that puddle of Heinz tomato sauce that lays there quite the thing on the side of your plate! I mean there is no better feeling! Blow jobs you say? Point taken, but imagine receiving a blow job while eating chips. I’ll let you finish off fapping to that image!

How important is food to people when you think about it? I love digging into a chip roll but if a homeless man asked me for a bite of my chip butty, I feel I would do the honourable and proud thing of kicking that homeless man in the face. Who does he think he is? I mean ask me for some change, I’ll give him/her the money for a chip roll but asking to touch my potato filled masterpiece?! Not acceptable!

The rule though with chips not in a roll is very different. I would be alright if you stretched over and pick a wee chip off my plate. That’s okay but sadly this doesn’t happen. See my plan when out for a meal with friends is too wait until they say they’ve finished their meal. As soon as this happens I pounce into action and grab the plate. Destroying any chips they left untouched and safely returning them the plate. I mean, now they have a clean plate, the chef will think the loved that meal and I got free chips. Everyone is a winner in a situation like this. My point would be I wouldn’t let anyone eat lots of my chips but now when I think about it, I wouldn’t leave any.

Cut chips out my life, god it would be different; I’d have to start eating healthy. Don’t like the sound of that to be perfectly honest. I do like rice, pasta and sometimes on rare occasion a tiny wee bit of salady stuff. But to take away chips from Ryan would be like Newton without his apple, Einsten without his crazy hair style, Brian Blessed without his booming voice or Chuck Norris without his Chuck Norris. It just wouldn’t fit. Anyway, welcome to my wee blog that’s going to be full of utter drivel, nonsense and huge breasts. 

Big Tony and The Beaver Mafia. Part 1

It was a cold night in September and we were all sitting around the fireplace in the HQ. We were chatting  about games, things that had been happening here at "The Legal Custodians" and various things. It was Jordan's first day back with us after he served his two month sentence for covering 61 people in semen. We have still never fully recovered  from that day and worry that it could happen all over again any minute. But his doctor reassured us that his anti fapping pills would calm his urged to fap constantly. He was restricted to a fap a day and as the old saying goes "A fap a day keeps the huge fuck off semen monster away".

 He seemed quite lively and told us about the things that happened in prison. He met a guy called Frank who kept him safe from anyone in the prison. Saying that, the deal was that Frank would keep Jordan safe for the small price of his anal virginity (Prison can be a nasty place). Jordan never did confirm with us though if he went along with this deal or found another way to keep Frank satisfied. Jordan did inform us though that he made a few enemies in Prison, one being Big Tony who was head of The Beaver Mafia. Me and Drew had never heard of this "gang" but Craig turned and looked at us "Not big Tony!"

"Who's big Tony?" Drew asks.

Leader of the Beaver Mafia "Big Tony"

"He's The Beaver Mafia leader.....they guys are not to be messed with! What the fuck were you playing at Jordan? Making enemies with him?" Craig Shouts!

"Shut your mouth Craig! I was going about my usual business in the food hall eating and drinking burgers and waving at people. It was going well until some cuntbag wouldn't return my wave!" Jordan says convincingly.

We all shake our heads at the same time.

"You can't be serious!? That's the reason you made enemies with one of the worst thugs is Britain?" I shouted!

"Well not exactly....." Jordan said with a shy tone to his voice.

We looked bemused, here was our friend Jordan which we know has his problems (constantly fapping, so addicted to VENT he got "I LOVE VENT" tattooed on his left butt cheek and obviously has his waving fascination) Even with all these strange things we just couldn't think what he could of done to annoy Big Tony this much.

"Well? What did you do?" Drew asks.

"He didn't wave at me so the next day when he left his cell, I sneaked in and left him a wee present" Jordan says smiling.

"Oh god know!" Craig yells.

Jordan points at Craig "Yes! I fapped all over his bed and covered it in!"

"Okay I think we can guess what the bed was covered in! But how did he know it was you?" Drew asks.

Jordan  "Well basically, he walked in and seen me spraying everywhere and I was like...."



Craig shakes his head "This just keeps getting better and better!"

Jordan continues "Then I kind of turned around to face him while I was still spraying and......well......it went in his eye"

Our faces dropped and we all looked really confused. Drew stood up and ran out of the room crying, Craig stood up and pushed Jordan up against the wall, I stood in front of Craig to calm him down.

Craig put his hands up and took a few deep breaths "Then what happened?"

"He was kinda blinded and I ran out of the cell.....He lost his right eye that day" Jordan says worried.

"How did you get out of that place alive?" I ask.

Jordan explains "Well that was my last day of my sentence but as I was leaving the next day, he said to watch my fat arse and that someone from The Beaver Mafia would get me"

"Great! Just great" I shout!

"What are you doing here then you idiot? Get out of here!" Craig shouts

"What? Why?" Jordan asks with worry in his voice.

"Because you've probably just lead half of The Beaver Mafia right to us you fat prick!" Craig Screams out.



"Don't you get technical with me big beak! This is your fault at the end of the day!"

"......How exactly?" Craig asks.

Jordan screams out "If you would of just had sex with me when I asked you I would of never went on that crazy fapping spree and in result would of never went to prison!"

Everything went silent all of a sudden and we all sat down. Craig shocked with his face frozen like he had just seen a naked chimpanzee dance naked in front of him. Jordan was sitting with his hands between his knees and was starting to realise what he had just said out loud and I myself shaking my head in confusing.

Suddenly we heard Drew scream and a window smash. We all jumped up and ran into the front room were we seen a car drive off from the broken window. A brick was on the floor which looked like it could of been used to break the window. It had a note on it, I knelled down and picked up the brick, untying the string to release the note.

" Oh God guys...." I say out loud.

" What!?" Craig shouts!

I start to read the note,

 "Dear faggots,

                       I have your wee gay friend,  we are prepared to trade your wee homo friend for the long haired bastard. If you ever want to see your wee bum boy again you should take up this offer. Meet us at the back of Morrisons in Troon at 7:30pm.

Lots of Love
Kevin
The Beaver Mafia"

I look up to see Craig in mid swing and lands a punch right to Jordan's face. Jordan falls back and starts rolling around on the ground like a seal.

Craig looks up at me and says "He deserved that!"

"We need to get Drew! Lets go!" I shout.

Craig jumps into the Punto and I follow him into the car.

We then see Jordan waddling over to the car "So what's the plan guys?"

"Shut your fucking face you long haired bastard!" Craig shouts.

To Be Continued......

He's Gone Super Crazy! Part 2

28 minutes later............

We arrive at the scene but sadly we're too late. The whole street is full of casualties, semen everywhere. “My god, he must of fapped for hours to do this much damage, it’s just a sea of semen!” Craig says with disgust in his eyes.

Drew asks “What the hell happened to Jordan lads?”.

I reply “I don’t know, but whatever happened we need to stop him before he impregnates the whole of Britain!”.

Craig shakes his head “No Pong! and now this!, what a Bastard he’s being today!”

We jump back into the Punto and follow the trail of semen. People lying everywhere, covered in semen, it was disgusting! We just couldn't think what had happened to our leader, our partner and most importantly.....our friend! We thought of ideas like maybe his last fap in Pound-land was just a step too far! That he would go crazy and on a fap spree around the country! At last! We see him in the distance and Drew picks up the speed to get there.

"Holy mother of all that is good is sexy!" Drew shouts!

He was spraying everywhere and the police couldn't get near him. One cop ran up to him with his baton out and went to hit him and he was flung back with sperm.

Suddenly he stop and everyone waited. Maybe it was over for our friend, he had run out of sperm.......This wasn't the case. He started to sake and a huge lighting bolt crashed down! Everyone was blinded for a few seconds and when we all looked back up we seen this!

We all froze and Craig quite rightly saig what we were all think "Da fuck am I seeing?"

Crazy Fapping Jordan had turned into some kind of semen monster! He charged at the police and sprayed semen all over them. Me, Drew and Craig started to run over to the monster to calm it down but our real intentions were to beat the living shit out of it!

"JORDAN! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT HERE?" Drew roared

Suddenly he stopped and looked at Drew. In his monster voice he said "I just want to find a lady! I'm sick of wasting my sperm on tissues when they could be used to make more little Jordans!"

Craig nudges me and says "We must make sure that never happens!

Jordan (Semen Monster) turns round and roars at Craig! " WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?"

Drew jumps infront of Craig and shouts back "Woah calm down man! How about this....I get you a women eh?"

"You would do that for me?" Jordan starts to well up as he says it.

Drew shakes his head in approval and Jordan returns to his normal chubby self. He was arrested and was handed a two month sentence in prison for breach of the peace which was basically covering over 61 people in semen and also vandalising several fast food restaurants. We all wait for him to return from his 2 month sentence and will continue to fight crime and also keep a good eye on Jordan from now on!

He Gone Super Crazy! Part 1

It was a sunny day in Ayr, the sky was bright blue, the grass was glistening and Jordan had a rather big smile on his face as he had just finished fapping in Poundland. We walked to the local game shop where we enquired about purchasing the game “Pong”. The man insisted he didn’t sell it but me and Jordan knew his game. We argued with the owner for ages and Jordan even threatened to use the legendary Ulay move. Which is an ancient Landless technique were you fap vigorously while staring into your opponent eyes. Luckily he calmed down and didn’t go that far. We finally decided to buy Donkey Kong 2 instead which cost us only £3.67. We headed back to the “Secret Legal Layer” were we would meet the guys.

The “Secret Legal Layer” is where we hang out and plan our missions when fighting crime. There’s three rooms, “The Living Pad”, which has two couches, a flat screen TV, small kitchen, PC, xbox and a big table were we plan and eat at. There’s “ The Legal Room” which has lots of gadgets including our crime suits. We have Drew Brown who goes by the name Toast Boy. Jordan who is Fapping Boy, Craig who is Nose man and I myself go under British man. You’ll learn all our powers as we go through this story. Oh yeah and there’s the toilet, which is, well, where you do poo's!

We arrive at the door and type the pass key onto the lock. The door opens slowly and we race in, Drew is lying back on his seat watching wrestling while Craig is laying into a bag of haribo. “Guys, bad news, we didn’t get pong” Jordan yelled. “Aw you’re such a failure Jordan!” Craig shouts back across the room. Drew starts to cry and runs into the bathroom, “See what you did?” Craig yells while pointing at the bathroom. “Oi! Listen, we couldn’t get pong but we got Donkey Kong 2!” Jordan belts out. Drew’s crying gets louder and louder and he starts bashing on the door. “It’s not the same though, we asked you to get pong, so go get pong!” demands Craig. “Yeah you idiot!t” I shout slowing slipping onto Craig's side. “What the brussels?” mutters Jordan. He turns around baffled and leaves to try and find the game.

We walk up to the bathroom door and chap on it. “Drew?” I say worryingly, “Yeah?”  Drew replies whilst crying. “Jordan’s away to get pong for you man” Craig says in a happy tone. The silence goes on for seconds, then the door bursts open “Great!” Drew walks out with a huge grin on his face. Me and Craig look at each other confused and baffled.

We walk over and sit down next to Drew, "You okay Drew?" I ask. "Yeah, happy has larry, luck of the Irish and all that y'know!". Craig looks at me and gives the nod of approval. "Drew, we're worried about you, you've not had sex in the last 48 hours, that's not like you, are you alright?". Drew looks up at me, "Yeah, i'm goooood, who needs sex when you've got a hand, right Craig!" Craig's expression drops with sadness, "That hurt man!". There's a moment of silence in the air "So you're okay then?". Drew looks up at me with the sort of facial expression just below and says, "Yeah!".

I got very scared and talked to craig for a little while about things and waited til Drew calmed down. It's long until we've got Drew back to his old self. It's amazing how happy a prostitute can make a guy. We continue chatting and Craig kept saying he was rather upset that he never got a hooker and before we knew it, it was nearing 7 o’clock. “Where’s Jordan?”  Drew asks, “Yeah he’s been away for ages” I reply. “He’s a prick anyway" Craig bursts out!, "Harsh!" I say suprised.

Suddenly the Custodian alarm signals meaning only one thing.....Danger! We rush over to the monitor and Craig jumps onto the laptop to see what’s happening. We locate the CCTV footage, "Holy shit! is that a women?" Drew yells. "She's got a weapon look, she's shooting that guy!" I yell. We look in horror, Drew and I run over to the Legal room to get on our superhero costumes when we hear Craig say, "Aw fuck guys, that's not a woman, that's Jordan shooting semen at people.........."

Me and Drew look at each other, we nod our heads, "Custodians Activate!" we roar pointing our fists in the air like real heros, then start to put our costumes on slowly and not at all awesome in anyway. We run down the hall, Drew wearing his costume of toast, Me in my Loaf outfit and Craig wearing a giant replica of his nose. We jump into our car, Drew starts the engine, it's glorious, the silver alloy wheels, the reflection off the smooth red paint, the Ferrari logo on the steering wheel. We were ready to go, "Wait! this isn't my car! follow me guys" Drew races out and we follow shaking our heads. I wondered what it could be, a Porsche, an Audi, even The Bat Mobil! "Here it is!", it was a Fiat Punto!. Great!. We set off  to the crime scene in worry of our friend Jordan, in a way though, we couldn't wait to kick his arse!

To Be Continued........

Burger Fumes & Gerbil Madness!

It's lunch, it's 12 o'clock at college, the excitement! I wonder were we'll go? the college refectory? Subway? Morrisons? Greggs? W H Smith? Burger King? Well on this particular day the choice was burger king and because of the sad disappearance of our Womanizer Drew Brown who was fighting polar bears in Luxembourg at the time. We decided that burger king was the right option to chose seeing as it was a Thursday and we had money in our pockets.

We left our class and couldn't wait to get that burger! On our way to burger king we talked alot of nonsense like we usually do but today was different. We neared the bridge we always use when going to Burger King and were laughing away when suddenly Jordan spotted a gerbil with a machine gun running across the bridge. Jordan roared at the top of his voice "GET OUT THE WAY LADY" where he then pushed an old women thinking he was going to save her from the crazy gerbil but infact the force pushed her off the bridge and she feel into the river.

It was a sort of what the hell? moment as Jordan may have just killed an old woman and a gerbil was running at us with a machine gun. While this was all taking place, me and Craig had hid behind a hedge. I was shitting myself and looked at Craig, he said "If I don't make it, take my nose and give it to my dad, with this nose and that mustache, you could power the whole of  Girvan and Stranraer!". I was shocked with what i was hearing.

The Gerbil was getting closer and Jordan was fapping at the other side of the hedge while singing "All By Myself" and crying. I replied " What are you going to do man?". He looked at me and said "Ryan, will you do what I said?", I nodded my head and whispered good luck man. Craig rubbed his nose and took a deep breath. He looked back at me and then saluted to the sky.

By this time Jordan had finished fapping and was trying to save that old women he pushed into the river. Craig jumped from the bush and roared " NOSE POWER!" a massive wave of energy unleashed itself straight at the gerbil and knocked him out. Me and Jordan ran behind Craig congratulating him. The old women jumped up from the river and hurried over to Craig. She thanked him for saving her life and offered him a blowjob but he said no, Silly move!

We got to Burger king where we all ordered our meals, Mine was a Chicken Royal and chips, yum! We went upstairs and disscussed the crazy event that happened. Not long after this Jordan decided to stick his straw in his cheese burger and drink it. This didn't go well at all, he complained about the burger fumes and me and Craig were gutting ourselves at it. We left burger king and all we could talk about was jordan and the burger fumes.

 We got back to the college just in time for our next class and Drew showed up. "Drew? what you doing back?" Jordan yelled. "Came back early guys, guess what an old women who was attacked by a fat women and a gerbil with a machine gun just gave me a blowjob cause i knew a guy called Craig" Drew said laughing throughout. Jordan and me looked at Craig and started laughing. Drew was confused "What?". "Nothing!" Jordan said laughing. We got back into class and sat down, Craig then said " I wish I said yes to that blowjob now!"

WELCOME TO THE LEGAL CUSTODIANS!

 Being in the Legal Custodians is a fun but hard job. We like to believe that we protect the world from evil creatures in the night and keep morrisons cafe in business. We like to travel on trains, well it's more we must travel on trains and by god do we love boobies (Expect from Drew and Craig, more bum guys). We have four members in this crew and they go by this order!

LEADER 

Jordan Landless

 

I see him as the leader of our group, he makes most decisions and seems to decide where we go for lunch, that's a big factor as we crumble at the idea of lunch! The man knows his food, he was once known for drinking his burger from a straw! yes you read that right, a straw! He complained about the burger fumes he got from it and never returned to the burger drinking days but by god I respect the man for doing that! His hairs the length of Britain and his smile is as freaky as a hippo fapping infront of the whitehouse. WARNING! If you don't wave at him he may show you his penis in an angry way! The man may not be the best leader, well he's a terrible leader but he's our leader and that's what matters!

Traits Expected:

 - Loves to talk about sex, more about men strangely!

 - Loves Memes and the internet.

 - Has Long hair and needs people to wave at him!


WOMANIZER

  Drew Brown 

 

Here we have Drew Brown, this man is the expert on intercourse, He's the lady charmer of the group and can speak Cat in four different states. He is fast, small and has a big willy supposedly. He loves toast, infact toast is his life, he lives off the stuff literally! He isn't Irish for the last time but does get the ferry to college everyday, FACT! He is a big fan of wrestling and loves Primark!

Traits Expected: 

- Toast 

 - Sex

 - Wrestling

THE QUIET ONE

 Craig McAdam 

 

Craig McAdam, please don't be scared by the nose, this man is a loveable creature who will always hate Big Bang Theory for some reason. He holds the group together, if he doesn't turn up to an event, we normally go crazy and kill some chickens! He loves to mock Jordan for his weight but doesn't mean anything by it. His mad editing skills are super and always make our videos that wee bit better :) The man loves America for some crazy, crazy reason but i respect his opinion (Prick!). He wants a lady for himself so he can go bowling and play snooker naked in his barn. His house is powered by his fathers moustache which also powers half of girvan! Craig is the quiet but dangerous one!

Traits Expected: 

- Insults to Jordan 

- Nose Power 

- Editing skills! 

 THE BRITISH GUY

Ryan Norrie

 

There's not much to say about me really, you'll learn as we go through our adventures so i'll make it quick. I see myself as the one who's there to lighten the mood if needed, to argue with Craig about Britain and USA. I always want to go to Burger King for lunch but I just can't afford 5:99 everyday! I'm a huge fan of Oasis and other British bands. I'm finding it hard to describe myself so that's me then!

Traits Expected:

 - Britain 

- Loves Johnnie! 

 - Oasis 

In this blog you will read about our stories and hopefully they entertain you.

Thanks for reading!