5th September 2013.
Up at 3am, I'm never
up at this time, only time I would ever think about getting up at this time out
my bed is for a piss or I might not of been to bed yet, due to going out in the
town or just being a computer hermit.
Me and Demi, my
girlfriend, slowly but surely started to move out the bed. It was September the
5th and we were going our holidays! Off the Playa De Ingles, Gran Canaria.
Flight was at 7am, so we had to be at the airport for 5am. Normally people are
excited to be going abroad, at this time in the morning, all I wanted was my
bed.
I had a shower, a
shit and a shave. To be fair, all I had to shave off was the little bit at my
chin, the bum fluff. I've always wanted to have sideburns, like Elvis. One day
this will happen, sometimes though I worry that ill always be a pretty hairless
person on my face. I should maybe get one of those hair cream for bald blokes,
but put it on my cheeks.
We left the house then
headed for Glasgow Airport, I wanted to stop off at a petrol station, I've
never been to a petrol station when I had to talk to the guy through the
window. We got to the station and to my disappointment the doors were open.
They bright side though was I could go in and get a Walls Sausage roll, I used to
always get them out of the BP garage when we went to Dundee. There was none so
I had settle for a packet of McCoy's and a Double Decker. So far it was nothing
but disappointment.
When we arrived at
the airport, we said our goodbyes to Demi's mum, she sped away in her Subaru, I
wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't woke up some people in Aberdeen with the
noise it makes. I mean, yeah okay it looks cool but it always breaks down, most
drivers dislike people who drive them and anymore than 5 minutes in the thing
and you will be needing a wheelchair at the way the thing swings you about.
It's like being in a wheeliebin and being rolled down that big steep hill you
and your mates always played at, though I have to give it to the wheeliebin, it
would probably be more comfortable.
This is the first
time me and the woman had checked in at an airport. We were sort of nervous, it
is pretty straight forward but that's what I was worried about, I can't mess
this up because If I do I'll never let it down. We walked in to see the cue for
check in almost out the door. I said to Demi, "This can't be right!".
you see we checked in online so we only needed to do the bag drop off thing. I
went a quick search but told Demi to stay in the line incase this was it as the
line was getting longer behind us. Seconds later I seem the cue we were
supposed to be in, it had about 6 people I if compared to the line with around
200 holiday makers in it. We checked in and Demi looked at her phone, 5:05am,
it only took us 5 minutes to check in after all that worrying. As we were
walking past the huge cue I had the urge which I think most people would If in
my situation, that would be facing the line, sticking the fingers up and
shouting "Get it up you!". Sadly though I don't have the balls to do
something like that so I kept my head down and walked on.
We got to security
and past through it with ease, Demi beeped through the metal detector. She had
to go in this big machine that looked like something out of Star Wars. Her face
was scarlet, they didn't find anything suspicious on her but I see why they had
there concerns, she can be a tad snidy sometimes.
We waited about, I
got a roll and links, pint if Stella, a roll and bacon for Demi and she got
Irn-Bru. This set me (well her) £15! Robbed! But what are you going to do, when
you're hungry, you'll pay anything. Then we remembered w had payed for a
breakfast on the plane. Great.
We boarded the plane
and were ready to set sail ( that's not right is it?) Anyway things were going
great and nothing was going wrong, that was to be true though. I was knackered
and just wanted to lie at the pool. I wanted to get of this huge metal bird
man. We broke down just as we were racing down te runway, you know that moment
on a plane when everyone is buzzing. They are going mental and making noises
and cheer when we get in the air. Well this is how it went on our plane:
*Racing down the
runway* "oooooooooooo"...
*Slowly lifting off
the ground*... "Waaaayyy"...
*Suddenly stops*...
"Aw wit man!".
An hour we waited on
the plane before it finally took off, Captain explained "The engineer
chaps did a sterling job, the threat was fixed and we were ready to take
off". Sorry but as soon as the word threat is mentioned on a flight, get
me off.
4 and half hours
later and we were finally in Gran Canaria. It was a miserable flight, screaming
children, lesbians chatting about going to this nightclub and an old man who
had flatchulent problems. The only decent thing was that I was out of Scotland
and away from life for a week. We stood at the baggage collection point. It
started to move like a checkout at Asda, instead of bread, milk and biscuits on
the belt it was everyone's suitcases. Demi's came out in minutes, mine took
about 20 minutes, typical.
We went on the bus
and it took us to our hotel, we were greeted by Demi's grandparents (Jennette
& Findley) or as I like to call them J-Dog and Finders. We checked into the
hotel, our room number was 147, it was alright, not great, not bad, alright. We
chucked our suit cases in the room, I sat on the balcony while Demi done her
woman thing, makeup, hair that sort of stuff. Finders chapped on our door and
told us we were invited to dine in style for lunch, at MacDonald's, we couldn't
refuse.
We headed down past
the Tropical shopping center, it's what it says on the tin, lots of shops,
restaurants men selling "Rolex " watches when infant they really said
"Bolex". I was wearing sunglasses and this bloke came up to me and
pointed at all the sunglasses on his wrist.
"Looky looky,
you want?" Sunglasses seller
"Nah you're
alright, got my own pair here" Ryan
"Nah they're
not as good as these!" Sunglasses
Seller
Cheeky git! I
decided to ignore him and walk on, the selling didn't stop there, we seen about
5 African American woman all over the promenade. See we had been to this area
before in Gran Canaria and we had fallen into the trap of stopping and talking
to these people. They took our hands, tied this small string around our wrist
and told us all this bollocks. We would live a good life but had some obstacles
in front of us, we would have 3 kids and me and Demi would stay together,
thanks for that. she then said 5 euros please. This is how the conversation
went:
"5 euros
please" Lady
"For
what?" Ryan
"I told you
your future, that comes at a cost" Lady
"We'll I don't
have the money" Ryan
It went on for a
while longer, same kinda back and forth, give me your money, naw! She then
decided she would have to curse us and she took the string off our wrists and
spat on us, lovely. See the thing is you can't really say what shes saying
isn't true cause you never know what's going to happen, we might have 3
children, we may have 2. I could stop people and say that they will have a good
future, some dodgy moments an tie a string on their wrists, then demand a
fiver. Can't see it working back home to be honest.
Anyway back to the
current time. As w neared the woman I knew one of ten would try to stop us. We
closed in and I knew I needed to just walk past them. We past them and one of
the woman put her hand out to shake mine, I then thought the one way to get out
if this situation was to put my hands in the air and shout "Good
morning!". I've not seen them since.
We got to
MacDonald's, I had a McChicken Sandwhich, Demi and J-Dog shared 20 chicken
nuggets and Finder had a couple of cheeseburgers. Again we were asked about
sunglasses, if we wanted them, watches, hats, beach balls. I just want to eat
in peace, walk in peace but you can't even do that. After we ate headed back to
the hotel to get changed and have a nap, I was done in.
Had dinner later on,
about 7pm, didn't each much, had too many chips in MacDonald's. We then went to
the entertainment and had a few beers. It was that Mr Continental that was on,
men showing off, it wasn't very good.
